Lifeguard

Today my husband saved our lives. Of course it's hard to know what the outcome would have been since he intervened before we actually died. We were swimming in my uncle's pond. My son, Micah, was swimming beside me holding onto a floatation device. When we got near the center and were starting back the twenty feet to shore, he began to panic and let go of his floatation device and grabbed me instead.
I couldn't hold both him and me up and I went under the water. I came to the surface after much groping and kicking. It felt like my one chance for rescue. I called out for Eric and went under again.
It feels like forever when you are under the water and you look up and you see the light but cannot seem to get to it. I remember coming up at one point and gasping for air before I went under again and I remember at some point seeing Eric near us swimming in the water. He held on to Micah, but he couldn't get him to let go of me. Desperately I cried out, "Hit him. Hit him." I had heard that sometimes you need to disable a person somewhat so that you can save them. It's like Micah possessed some kind of crazed animal strength.
Now with two panicked people, Eric began to wonder if three of us would eventually be pulled under. But somehow he was able to release me from Micah's grasp allowing me to swim to safety and then he brought Micah to the shore.
Eric had jumped in wearing his pants and T-shirt and now stood on the shore dripping wet. He is our hero. I wondered later, if Eric were gone and unable to save us, if we would eventually all come to some tragic end.

Valuable Life

We have very recently begun reading through Humility: True Greatness by C.J. Mahaney at our church. Although the book has been insightful and I am looking forward to reading more, it was a line from the forward that really stood out to me.
Joshua Harris, author of the forward, tells how C.J. Mahaney, trained and mentored him as a young man and then passed on his pastorate to him. He is using this as an example of humility in Mahaney's life -- to see someone that God can use and invest in that life and instead of claiming glory for yourself, prepare that person for ministry -- even your own ministry. Harris goes on to say that this example of humility shown to him has inspired him to also invest in the life of another.
He writes,

Though I've just begun my ministry at Covenant Life, C.J.'s example has inspired me to look ahead to when I can make the same handoff to the next leader of our church. Who knows? That ten-year-old boy running down the church hallway might one day be sitting behind my desk. And when that day comes, I hope I'll have the same humility of heart that C.J. has shown me.

I love how he looks at a young child as the possible future leader of a church. I love to know that there are men in the world that see potential in young boys, that see a life that God can use, that see more than noise and dirt.
Obviously not all boys will grow up to be pastors, but each boy can grow up to be a leader in righteousness, a leader in humility, a leader in love. We are shaping the minds and hearts of a generation.

Blogging

I saw this on a friend's facebook status.

"Blogging -- Never have so many had so little to say to so few."

I think it might be true.

Whose Pain is Worse?

A Grace Disguised by Gerald L. Sittser was a book that was recommended to us shortly after our son died. Honestly I have not yet finished reading it because I kept wanting to journal my thoughts as I went through the book. So, it waits patiently in my nightstand. But I have been influenced by his wisdom and since I cannot write better, I will now quote from Gerald Sittser.
"We tend to quantify and compare suffering and loss. We talk about numbers killed, the length of time spent in the hospital, the severity of abuse, the degree of family dysfunction, the difficulty and inconvenience of illness, the complexity of details during a divorce…."
And we could add so many more qualifiers. Our minds seem to have no trouble comparing and sizing up one thing against another.
Sittser continues,

But I question whether experiences of such severe loss can be quantified and compared…What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating, cumulative, and irreversible nature…I talked with a woman whose husband was recently killed in a plane crash. I heard about three women who are battling breast cancer. I met with a couple whose daughter was the survivor of an automobile accident that took the life of a passenger. I heard about a man who has struggled with unemployment or professional frustration for many years now. I learned of a couple who have exhausted every medical option in their battle against infertility. I know of a man whose business is on the brink of bankruptcy…Everywhere there is pain, human misery, and tragedy.

Now I sit here crying over pain that I just read about in a book. I have been told that the more pain you endure the less tears you shed, the more devastating the pain has to be to affect you. I disagree. I feel like the more pain I experience the more emotional I become. These stories touch my heart. I relate to their pain. It hurts to be betrayed. It hurts to have your dreams die. It hurts to lose something you love. It hurts to watch your life as you pictured it slowly, or rapidly, crumble around you. It hurts to feel that you cannot succeed and every turn leads to more failure. Everywhere there is pain.
Sittser writes,

[Comparing loss] can lead to two unhealthy extremes. On the one hand, those coming out on the losing end of the comparison are deprived of the validation they need to identify and experience the loss for the bad thing it is… Their loss is dismissed as unworthy of attention and recognition. On the other hand, those coming out on the winning end convince themselves that no one has suffered as much as they have, that no one will ever understand… that no one can offer lasting help. .. So they indulge themselves with their pain and gain a strange kind of pleasure in their misery.
Each experience of loss is unique, each painful in its own way…The right question to ask is not, “Whose is worse?” It is to ask, “What meaning can be gained from suffering, and how can we grow through suffering?

Truly our Lord Jesus spoke truth when He said, “In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
I do not want to be known by the pain I’ve experienced. I do not want to wear it as a badge or medal won. How have I grown? How has Jesus overcome the world through me, through this trial?
I am reminded of a quote by Paul David Tripp in his book Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands,

God wants to raise up people filled with hope. True hope is not rooted in my achievements or assets, but in my knowledge that I am the child of the King. He loves me with a love that nothing can take away. He has given me his forgiving and empowering grace. He is daily changing and maturing me. He has promised to give me whatever I need to face what comes my way. And he has promised that I will live with him forever in a place without suffering, sorrow, or sin.. This means that in the most difficult moments of my life… what I really live for is safe and secure.

That is overcoming. I want to be a person of hope and comfort to others as we journey through this pain-filled world on our way to eternal glory.

Beauty

Pregnant women face it all the time -- the fat comments. "Yep, she's round like a pumpkin." "Wow. You're getting fat!" "You remind me of a pregnant cow." And the list could go on and on. Why do women feel that they have to defend themselves after comments like that?
I remember one time at a family gathering going to the buffet line for a second helping during the meal. My cousin cheered me on -- that I would eat even though I am a woman. What is it that makes women think they can't eat?
Some would claim that it's a health issue, but I disagree. As far as I can recall few, if any, have ever expressed any concern about my thin husband's choice of unhealthy snacks.
I think about the women I admire. I admire them for their forgiving spirit, their hope in the midst of trials, their humility and compassion for others, their devotion to prayer. I do not think I have ever said to myself, "I want to be just like that older woman because she is so good-looking." And yet I compare myself to an image of what I think physical beauty should be.
Who decides what is beautiful?
I do not think we can say that beauty is unimportant. I know God says that a woman is to adorn herself with a gentle and quiet spirit. In I Samuel, God tells us that man looks on the outward appearance, but He looks on the heart. That's why He choose David for King, but in the next few verses God tells us that David is good-looking. God made a beautiful world. Little girls seems to naturally like dresses and twirling and bows. It seems to be something God created them with. Maybe our view of beauty is just too limited. A man typically does not marry a woman that he does not find attractive, but his opinion could be different than the next man's opinion. Maybe a better view would be to think that we are all beautiful in our own way -- created beautiful, somehow to portray the beauty of the Creator. We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

God's Unconditional Love

Really there's nothing exceptional about my family. No one is particularly intelligent, or good-looking, or talented, well, maybe Eric is. I just love them because they are mine.
I am glad I belong to God and he loves me just because I am His.

A Willing Heart

Sometimes giving is easy and sometimes it's not. I am not saying that sometimes giving is sacrificial and sometimes we just give a budgeted amount. It's sacrificial almost every time for us. To the world we would be absolutely crazy. But sometimes it's easy to give. Sometimes it's easy to trust and know that God will provide what we need. Sometimes with a cheerful heart we easily give to support a cause we whole-heartedly believe in or to help a friend.
But then there are the times when giving is hard. When I cringe just a little as I decide how much to give to those that are hurting and desperately in need around me. Yes, it does sound selfish, but the Bible says that every man can proclaim his own goodness, but who can find a faithful man? I do not mean to proclaim my own goodness. Everyone proclaims their own goodness. I just want to be honest. (And pray that God would change me to be more like Him.) Didn't He give sacrificially? He gave everything. Someone might say that He knew He would gain it all back again. But don't we know the same thing? Don't we know that in Heaven we will never regret the treasure we have laid up there? And yet still I feel like I am holding tightly to earthly treasure.
This past week someone wrote us a generous check. I am grateful for it and I know it could be so helpful in so many ways, but now I am being asked to give most of it away. Wasn't it given to me freely? Shouldn't I freely give? The slight cringe begins. I don't want to. I have been reading through Exodus. The Israelites gave items to build the tabernacle -- so much and so willingly that eventually Moses told them to stop giving. I was convicted by my unwillingly heart.
On one hand the things I want seem so unimportant. God says that having food and clothing we should be content. Why do I have to want more? On the other hand I want to justify myself -- perhaps, it's more than food and clothing, but it's not more than anyone else would think is perfectly reasonable.
Then I wonder if I just don't trust God. Someone else needs the money now and what I would spend the money on isn't required for a few months. Can't I trust God to bring more money then?
Or maybe it's just that it seems like the money represents something bigger that God is asking. I think it would be better for our family to live somewhere else. It seems like God is asking if I would be content here, even if I knew it was forever. It reminds me of the movie Up. The wife, always seeking adventure, dreams of going to Paradise Falls, but something always comes up preventing them. In the end she dies without ever having visited Paradise Falls. I didn't see the end of the movie, so I just have what my husband told me, but he said eventually the lonely, old husband makes it to Paradise Falls and in the process befriends a small boy. He discovers his wife's adventure book where she placed pictures of Paradise Falls and finds that she had also put pictures of her life with him in the book and how that was an adventure. He learns that sometimes it's the people and the every day things around you that really matter.
My husband reminds me that if we see our brother in need we must not shut our heart up from him. It brings to mind It's a Wonderful Life. George dreams of traveling and seeing the world. But instead he gives of himself and his money to those around him and never leaves his small home town. He helps so many people even though he feels like he doesn't do anything. Can I do that? Can I sacrifice my dreams for my brother?
I really don't even know if I will have to sacrifice what I want completely. Some day God may lead us somewhere else. Just right now it seems that God is asking -- Would you sacrifice? Would you stay here forever? Would you be content if your life was always what it is right now?
I am not ready to answer.