Will I Reach 50?

Tonight during dinner my husband told me he thought I would die before him. Strange conversation, I suppose. Even stranger, last night I was thinking the same thing. Logically he should die before me. I'm the one who exercises and drinks water regularly and usually eats healthier food. But he is still stronger and healthier than me. My body is deteriorating, and I am so young still.

The Truth

I want to be a hero? Why did I write that? I want to be a princess. I want to have what I want. I want peace and quiet. I want servants. I want romance and adventure and entertainment and less work. Let the other women be the heroes.
I guess God says that He gives the desire and the ability. It is God that works in us both to will and to do of His good pleasure. He has a lot of work with me.

For Better or For Worse

I hear women say, "My husband is wonderful." Do they mean that their husband is wonderful or that they think their husband is wonderful. Splitting hairs perhaps. But I think there is a crucial difference. Not to discredit all the wonderful qualities that someone might have, but which is harder -- to admire someone who fits the perfect husband mold or to admire someone whom you have chosen to love regardless of his flaws.
I have a friend who was hurt deeply by her husband. Her sister would gush about how great her husband was, and her heart cried out in pain. Pain is hard. I think she said something about how her sister hasn't faced what she has. True perhaps, but definitely not the bottomline; the concluding statement.
A heart is delicate, maybe it's the spirit. Sometimes I think I can almost feel pain radiating from someone's whole body. I can relate to pain that feels so consuming you wonder why you don't just fall in a heap to the floor. Like the Psalmist so eloquently writes, "I am poured out like water. All my bones are out of joint. My heart is like wax; it is melted within me."
But who has the greater opportunity to show love? Which love is unconditional? Which love is like Christ's? I remember a difficult time in our marriage when I was hurt so deeply that it seemed I couldn't feel any love; pain overwhelmed my emotions. God brought me to Nehemiah. I am in awe of the love of God. His faithfulness is astounding. Perhaps someone can forgive when they are betrayed once, but God's people continually turned their backs on God. Still Nehemiah says, "Yet when they returned and cried out to You, You heard from heaven...delivered them according to your mercies...for many years You had patience with them... You are God, gracious and merciful."
A love that is tried is a love that is strong. It is unconditional. It is like Christ.
Other times I just want my own way. I'm tired of working. Tired of being the servant. Will I choose to love then? Again, will I have a love that is easy -- that loves the man who goes out of his way to show me how special I am to him, provides the things I think I need, leads the way I think he should lead? Or will I have a love that is unconditional? Will I choose to be like Christ then? Will I follow His example of sacrifice?
I think of women faithfully serving their husbands and their families -- regardless of what is given in return. Each day they are like soldiers going out to battle. Fighting enemies and entanglements on all sides, yet they press on. Determined to win this war for their Master -- to lay down their lives if necessary. These women are heroes.
I want to be a hero.

Another Reason to Love Heaven

For five years we have attended our church. Our friends have been there from the start. So much has happened in five short years. And now they are moving to Florida. My mind will not accept it. I just expect them to be there. If not this week, then maybe next. Maybe they are on vacation, or maybe someone is sick. What is wrong with me that I can't seem to accept reality? And then I wonder, why do I plan on leaving? How can I cause my friends that I leave behind the same pain?
And yet another part of me feels that the world is smaller than it use to be. That even in Florida they are still close. We will travel; we will see them again.
Each of us may take up different residence here on Earth, but one day we will all be together again. One day in Heaven when all things are made new, we will have all of eternity together.

New Rules

I think there is a rule in this house -- No person is allowed more than 5 minutes of personal, uninterrupted time. As I write this I am tense. I feel like any second someone is going to come upstairs to the living room and ask me how to spell a word, or give me some "mail" to read. My oldest son came carrying a small plastic bag. Inside he had placed a few rolled up a few sheets of paper. His package looked like our newspaper when it is delivered in the morning. He wanted me to read the news. I opened the package. He had written headlines on the papers. Quite interesting actually -- everything was some tragedy or another -- it was realistic. He left, and I tried to write again. This time Zac wanted to know how to spell a word. Then Shiloh came and sat beside me and kept talking. Then he jumped down and walked through my cord and unplugged it. Then a child sat on the book cupboard beside me and the book cupboard began to fall apart under the weight. He got off and I pushed the sides back together. My cord got pulled out again. Someone else wanted to talk to me. Then Micah and Zac came up and delivered more mail. Finally I retreated to the bathroom where my husband was trying to shower. I told him that I thought there must be some rule in this house that no one can have time alone. Perhaps the door didn't latch on the way out or maybe another child opened it, but shortly after our one year old pushed open the door and crawled into the bathroom. I could hear my husband say, "Who's there?... This is a shower... I'm suppose to have some privacy." Doesn't he know that he already used up his 5 minute quota? I laughed inside. Fortunately for me, Caden somehow shut the door, trapping himself in the bathroom. One down, three to go.
I get too focused on myself. My son comes up -- interrupting what I want to do again. He hands me an envelope. Inside he has written a thank you note for something that we did for him earlier that day. I felt special. My cord came undone again, as my one year old, released from the bathroom, just took about 9 steps and walked through it. I couldn't help but clap -- I was so excited. I guess sometimes it's just a matter of perspective.

Edible World

I think that the Garden of Eden was like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. We just finished reading Charlie and The Chocolate Factory to our boys. I think about the first large room they enter -- everything was edible. Willy Wonka urged them to try a blade of grass, then a buttercup. The children ate flowers and trees; even the river was chocolate.
I imagine Adam and Eve walking through the garden. First Adam plucks a peach off a leafy green branch and hands it to Eve. The Eve bends down and tears a piece of a beet green and munches on that. She pulls again and the whole plant comes up in her hand. Then she tries the beet. "Adam this is good too!" she says as she hands some to Adam. They nibble things on the trees, things on the ground, things under the ground. Food was everywhere. The whole garden was edible (well, almost).
I think this parallel is especially obvious to me lately because I feel like we are just eating plants. We have been trying to eat more nutrient dense foods since reading a nutrition book a friend lent us. We really enjoy it -- except for the greens. I have a hard time with them. They taste like grass or weeds smell. This week I was out clipping and pulling weeds in the flower bed and I thought it smelled just like the greens I ate for supper. My husbands jokes at dinner that it's time to graze. I guess, according to the book, it's better to be a cow, than eat one.

To Him Be the Glory

I am the LORD, that is My name; and my glory I will not give to another
--Isaiah 42:8

Recently our pastor used this verse in a sermon. I love the passages in I Samuel where God defends his glory. The Israelites thought the Ark of the Covenant would save them in battle, but to their horror they were defeated and the Ark stolen. The Philistines, thinking their god, Dagon, had triumphed, put the Ark next to Dagon. The next morning, there was Dagon, fallen on its face to the earth before the Ark of the Lord. They set Dagon back up, but the next morning he was broken in pieces before the Ark. Then God struck the Philistines with plagues. In the end they willingly gave back the Ark knowing that God had brought these troubles to their land. God didn't need an army. God didn't need the Israelites. God can defend Himself. He is the Lord. No one could say that they had saved the Ark from the Philistines -- God brought it back.
So to not take any of God's glory, let me say -- He has somehow sustained us for about half a year. Of course God has sustained us our whole lives! How can I just talk about the last 6 months? God brought us through the winter -- a time when the work is slim. God provided for us for years when we owned the tree service. God provided for my college tuition. God kept me fed and clothed as I grew up in a family without my father. God gives me my very breath; in Him I live and move and have my being. But let me highlight the last six months.
First, as I mentioned earlier, I am not buying any new clothes. But because of God moving through the generosity of friends, I feel like I have nicer clothes now than I did six months ago. We have been given food. My sister shared from the bountiful supply of canned goods her mother-in-law gave to them. Friends stopped by after a trip to Walmart. We were able to pick corn for free at my brother-in-law's friend's field, and glean blueberries from the fields of a friend from church. My mom has shared countless leftovers from Sunday dinner.
The Bible says having food and clothing we can be content. My mom says that in Michigan, shelter is a necessity too. I think I would agree. Every month God has paid our mortgage, even when we were making less than our monthly expenses. When my husband lost his job, in some ways it was a relief, because he didn't like it at all. Now he is self-employed. We keep trying different ways to bring in money. Still we do not consistently have our monthly expenses covered, but somehow we pay all the bills. We do not use credit cards. I don't want to be robbed of a miracle. (Come to think of it, I don't want to be robbed of my money in interest either.)
We are not sure where all the money comes from! I know a distant friend sent a large sum of money because God told him in a dream to send it. Then God provided quite a bit of work for my husband in web design. We had also been talking about contacting one of my uncles, who earlier had mentioned wanting some long-distance accounting work done. A few weeks ago I found a voicemail message on my phone. It was my uncle and he wanted us to call about some work. I hadn't talked to him in months. We haven't gotten the job yet, but I shouldn't worry, if this is how God wants to provide for us -- He will make it happen. I wondered if my mom had mentioned anything to my uncle about us still being interested in the work, but she hadn't. I guess it was my Father, not my mother, that prompted him to call.
A couple weeks ago my husband picked up a new leather couch from the side of the road. This to me is embarrassing. I suppose that's just my pride. It had a big "FREE" sign next to it. It came apart in sections, so he loaded it into the back of our small pickup and off we drove. My son wanted to honk as we drove past our church, I would rather hide. Why? I don't want to admit that I am poor? I should be waving and pointing -- "Look, look, at this couch God gave us." Trust me, it is much better than the old couch. So, now we have a nice new leather couch.
Not too long ago my husband was complaining how everything was junk. Everything kept breaking -- our van, our truck, our camera, our windows, our roof. Finally he came to the point of contentment, and said, "God this is Your junk. If you don't like it, You'll have to provide the money to fix it, or provide something else, because I can't do anything." To our astonishment, money started pouring in! I can hardly believe it. We got a thousand dollar refund from our escrow account. A few days later I checked the mail again and there was a thousand dollars in refund checks again. (Part from our gas company, part from our school taxes) It was so fun to tell Eric that we just got $1000 dollars in the mail. He didn't believe me. Then my uncle had a small tree job that he didn't want to be bothered with, Eric did it for him. We received a check for $150. My mom gave us some money. Eric received a good sized check from his web designing, and a couple other small sums. We decided to make a list of things that we should fix. I haven't balanced the bank account for September yet; but if my calculations are correct we should be able to put aside savings for months when we have no income, fix some things around the home, and pay our bills.
Oh, we've also been able to take a few trips this year. Utah, of course, then this month we are going to Pennsylvania to visit family, then possibly Oregon for some work.
God is amazing. There is none besides Him; His glory I will not give to another.