Homeless

Where is home? Today home is Oregon. Next month home will be Michigan. Soon after that home will be Florida. I guess I am homeless, but I do feel like I am rich with friends. They add so many unique personalities and interests and perspectives to a life.
This afternoon I spent time plastering a room with my aunt in their house. I enjoyed talking with her. I enjoy their kids too. Their son is running laps to win a trophey. I am amazed at his perseverance. He traced a picture of a tiger for me. Their daughter made me a card. Another one just climbs onto my lap. These are my friends.
Tonight we went for dinner at the home of someone here in Oregon that is a friend of my aunt and uncle. They didn't even know us, but Eric was going over to help with their computer and then they invited us for supper. I felt at home with them. Some people know how to love genuinely. It is so refreshing. They could be my friends too.
This weekend we are visiting more family in western Oregon. I am looking forward to time renewing relationships -- talking and laughing. More friends.
Then of course we will be heading back to Michigan for Christmas. My mom, and sister and brother-in-law, and even my sister-in-law from Pennsylvania will be there. My husband's brother and his family. Friends with a new baby. Friends that we share life with. All of them so different. Each adding a beautiful facet to our lives.
Then Florida, different friends, different interests, different conversations. We accept it all and enjoy each part of our friendships. Each person is so unique and yet each person is a brother or sister in Christ that I will spend eternity with.
I visit my aunt and uncle's church here in Oregon and I think -- this is part of my family too. Each person has a story and some day we will be together for eternity sharing life together.
Of course I think it is best to choose a spot to actually stay for awhile. A month really isn't long enough to really come along side someone during trials, or to really be an active part of a church. But where should our home be?

I Need Help

I don't know how to parent. Why did God give me children? I am afraid I am just hurting them. I am so demanding, and expect so much. Will they think that I love them or that they always had to earn my love? Most parents think their kids are the greatest. I feel like I can see all the faults in my children. I've heard it said that a mother is very possessive of her children and gets upset if anyone bothers them in some way -- The idea that it's better to meet an angry bear than an angry mother. Or the example of a parent who will always take his child's side. That is not me. Are my children missing out?
How does God love me?
I think I will ponder that as I fall asleep.

Will I Reach 50?

Tonight during dinner my husband told me he thought I would die before him. Strange conversation, I suppose. Even stranger, last night I was thinking the same thing. Logically he should die before me. I'm the one who exercises and drinks water regularly and usually eats healthier food. But he is still stronger and healthier than me. My body is deteriorating, and I am so young still.

The Truth

I want to be a hero? Why did I write that? I want to be a princess. I want to have what I want. I want peace and quiet. I want servants. I want romance and adventure and entertainment and less work. Let the other women be the heroes.
I guess God says that He gives the desire and the ability. It is God that works in us both to will and to do of His good pleasure. He has a lot of work with me.

For Better or For Worse

I hear women say, "My husband is wonderful." Do they mean that their husband is wonderful or that they think their husband is wonderful. Splitting hairs perhaps. But I think there is a crucial difference. Not to discredit all the wonderful qualities that someone might have, but which is harder -- to admire someone who fits the perfect husband mold or to admire someone whom you have chosen to love regardless of his flaws.
I have a friend who was hurt deeply by her husband. Her sister would gush about how great her husband was, and her heart cried out in pain. Pain is hard. I think she said something about how her sister hasn't faced what she has. True perhaps, but definitely not the bottomline; the concluding statement.
A heart is delicate, maybe it's the spirit. Sometimes I think I can almost feel pain radiating from someone's whole body. I can relate to pain that feels so consuming you wonder why you don't just fall in a heap to the floor. Like the Psalmist so eloquently writes, "I am poured out like water. All my bones are out of joint. My heart is like wax; it is melted within me."
But who has the greater opportunity to show love? Which love is unconditional? Which love is like Christ's? I remember a difficult time in our marriage when I was hurt so deeply that it seemed I couldn't feel any love; pain overwhelmed my emotions. God brought me to Nehemiah. I am in awe of the love of God. His faithfulness is astounding. Perhaps someone can forgive when they are betrayed once, but God's people continually turned their backs on God. Still Nehemiah says, "Yet when they returned and cried out to You, You heard from heaven...delivered them according to your mercies...for many years You had patience with them... You are God, gracious and merciful."
A love that is tried is a love that is strong. It is unconditional. It is like Christ.
Other times I just want my own way. I'm tired of working. Tired of being the servant. Will I choose to love then? Again, will I have a love that is easy -- that loves the man who goes out of his way to show me how special I am to him, provides the things I think I need, leads the way I think he should lead? Or will I have a love that is unconditional? Will I choose to be like Christ then? Will I follow His example of sacrifice?
I think of women faithfully serving their husbands and their families -- regardless of what is given in return. Each day they are like soldiers going out to battle. Fighting enemies and entanglements on all sides, yet they press on. Determined to win this war for their Master -- to lay down their lives if necessary. These women are heroes.
I want to be a hero.

Another Reason to Love Heaven

For five years we have attended our church. Our friends have been there from the start. So much has happened in five short years. And now they are moving to Florida. My mind will not accept it. I just expect them to be there. If not this week, then maybe next. Maybe they are on vacation, or maybe someone is sick. What is wrong with me that I can't seem to accept reality? And then I wonder, why do I plan on leaving? How can I cause my friends that I leave behind the same pain?
And yet another part of me feels that the world is smaller than it use to be. That even in Florida they are still close. We will travel; we will see them again.
Each of us may take up different residence here on Earth, but one day we will all be together again. One day in Heaven when all things are made new, we will have all of eternity together.