The Lord is Gracious

Today my sister-in-law had her baby. Today our son would have been 3 years old. I don't understand why God had her be born the same day as Ian. Of all the days she could have been born, what are the chances that it would be the exact same day. I miss our son. It feels like he is washed away like the sand by the seashore and forgotten even more than before. Who remembers a dead child in the midst of the joy of new birth. Yet it makes my emptiness seem even more pronounced. It makes me feel even more barren. I am not barren. I have four boys. But it still feels like something is missing. Recently my husband was sitting at the dinner table looking around at our family. He was sure someone wasn't there and started calling one of the boys. We were all at the table, but my husband was right -- someone wasn't there. But we can't call him. He won't come.
The family congratulates them. Not one of them mentions our loss. Rejoice with those that rejoice, but my heart just wants to weep.
I am reminded of a story my aunt told. She and my uncle were driving home from their ultrasound. They were having a girl. My aunt could tell that my uncle was a little disappointed. This was their third girl and he was hoping for a boy. But he told her, "God's purposes could not have been accomplished with a boy." God is good and had decided what He knew was best for them and His plan. Can God do anything? Yes, He can do all His holy will. Their next child was a boy, but he died at about 5 months. Does God make sense? No, not really. But somehow He accomplishes His holy, perfect will. Somehow He is still good.

I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know at His right hand
Stands One who is my Savior.
---Aaron Shust